Hamlet Deleted Scene Act V Scene I
by DICEdaNICE
Summary: Ever wonder just what happened to Rosencratz and Guildenstern between Acts IV and V? Well, here's how I imagine it...


**Hamlet V Scene I**

**Enter two Sentinels.**

**First Sentinel** : It's quiet tonight; methinks we stand sentry over naught but biting wind and chilly waves. A man might have—

**Second Sentinel**: Look! There's a sail!

**First Sentinel**: Aye, prow to break the waves and event to break our  
boredom.

**Second Sentinel** aside: And a comma to break your words, poet.1

**First Sentinel**: Eh?

**Second Sentinel**: Perhaps a body to break your sword, soldier. It's a Danish flag.

**First Sentinel**: What? Is not our war done? Do we not already pay our war debt? If it's a subsequent fight they seek; I'll give them steel to eat!  
Draws sword.

**Second Sentinel**: Right. I'll call up a militia, you hold the port  
against this foul load.

**First Sentinel**: What, what? Wasn't it your own suggestion, and now you  
run away?

**Second Sentinel**: I was merely aware of your tenders for the Danes, and  
made a slight. Besides, you volunteered.

**First Sentinel**: I have no slight love for Danes.

**Second Sentinel**: What? So much ill blood in but one statement?

**First Sentinel**: Since when do base drunkards inspire poetry?

**Second Sentinel**: There's rhetoric in you yet.

**First Sentinel**: Sir, you mock me.

**Second Sentinel**: Danes are a heavy matter2, why not make it light?

**First Sentinel**: Make any more manners light in your head, and you'll float.

**Second Sentinel**: Now, see here!  


**First Sentinel**: I see a bubble!

**Second Sentinel**: Better airy bubble than quack poet!

**First Sentinel**: pause in shock You've cut me to the quick.

**Second Sentinel**: Well, I won't compliment you in an argument…my  
apologies.

**First Sentinel**: Mine first; I provoked you.

**Second Sentinel**: I understand your ire. The Danes might as well have made servant girls of us, always demanding tribute. Such a King's country is now a subservient Queen.

1 _And…words_ and something to distract you from talking 2 _heavy matter_ Danes are known as heavy drinkers

**First Sentinel**: What, the King's been castrated?

**Second Sentinel**: Aye, England was a King, and is now removed of his  
crowns.

**First Sentinel**: Indeed, his crown and his Queen's.

**Second Sentinel**: I should hope not! Nay, two crowns for his queen.3

**First Sentinel**: Two crowns for a queen? Foul play!

**Second Sentinel**: No, not foul for the queen.

**First Sentinel**: I would think so!

**Second Sentinel**: No, you wouldn't, unless you're a bawdy type of poet. I  
say the King's two crowns are for his queen. The King's a soldier; his spear is for his wife.4

**First Sentinel**: Why would he give his…?

**Second Sentinel**: It took you long enough.

**First Sentinel**: You'll go to prison in a hand basket.

**Second Sentinel**: What for?

**First Sentinel**: You make jest of the very King!

**Second Sentinel**: The King's not impotent yet, I wager; there's no treason  
in saying that, and the Queen's no virgin, either.

**First Sentinel**: Now you mock the Queen!

**Second Sentinel**: You mock your own piety, poet; the Queen has children.

**First Sentinel**: It's uncouth, is all…

**Second Sentinel**: Uncouth? Here you stand with your sword hanging in  
your hand.

**First Sentinel**: Never!

**Second Sentinel**: Your literal sword, sir.

**First Sentinel**: Ah, this is for the Danes.

**Second Sentinel**: Aye, the Danes have ported.

**First Sentinel:** Great Danes, among dogs.5

**Second Sentinel**: Rather large dogs indeed, and clever. Look, they stand on their hind legs!

**Enter Rosencratz and Guildenstern.**

**Rosencratz**: Ho!

**Second Sentinel**: Not while we guard these docks.6

**Guildenstern**: What, the English do not greet guests?

3 _his…queen_ sexual innuendo referring to a sexual slang meaning of "crowns" 4 _his…wife_ more sexual innuendoes 5 _Great…dogs_ refers to the Great Dane a large, powerful breed of dog originally bred in what is now Germany 6_ Not…docks_ the Second Sentinel has intentionally taken Rosencratz "ho!" at its most offensive meaning, "whore"

**First Sentinel**: The English are endearingly hospitable, sir. Welcome to fair  
England.

**Second Sentinel**: We do not welcome prostitutes to parade about our places of business. Search for you "ho's" elsewhere; there's no slumming  


here.

**Rosencratz**: You misunderstood me, sir. I meant "hello."

**First Sentinel**: What business have you summoning Hell?7 Begone, heathen! Off these docks with you!

**Rosencratz**: No, no! I meant to say "greetings."

**Second Sentinel**: Then why not say "greetings" and be done? Away with  
your art, sir, for the comfort of us all.

**Guildenstern** To Rosencratz: Good friend, methinks we should listen to  
these roguish sentries. One already has out his blade.

**Rosencratz** To Second Sentinel: Good sentinel, you are quite right. My  
mouth has a vanity all of its own. Still, it deserves vanity, for it has been educated in many a manner and subject. It can make a mountain into a hill and a pebble into a mansion; a brave lion into a frightened cat and bawdy ape into a civil humanoid. It spits venom, yes, and panacea, and nectar. It takes reign only from a firm and disciplined mind, but by inconspicuous circumvention may still overcome its master. It is a weapon for destruction and a tool for refinement, as well as a device for leisure, but still it can easily be perverted from its original purpose and be injected into ill usage. When a man's mind lacks proper temper and direction, his tongue may skew a leisurely conversation into a most serious argument; it may debase refined dissertation into bawdy entertainment. It could utterly raze a man in rueful need of supplement or surfeit a man gravely lacking in accosting. A wicked and self-important tongue might make an honest nobleman a base vagabond, and a lowly criminal an esteemed courtier—

**Second Sentinel**: Stop! Let me make a rag out of this dainty kerchief—  
shut up!8

**Guildenstern**: What, in the midst of his discourse?

**First Sentinel**: Discourse? I call it rambling.

**Rosencratz**: Then there's fog in your brain thicker than a flame's signal.  
Draws blade, First Sentinel lifts sword.

**Second Sentinel**: Did we not agree to do away with all this artistry? Steps between First Sentinel and Rosencratz  
Hold, now, gentlemen. To RosencratzYou sir, what is your business in England?

7 _what…Hell_ catching on to his friend, the First Sentinel has deliberately misinterpreted Rosencratz "hello" to mean a call to Hell 8 _Let…kerchief_ the Second Sentinel seemingly intends to outdo Rosencratz, and ironically cuts him down with a single interjection  


**Rosencratz**: Delivering a letter to your king. Here is our business.  
Hands Second Sentinel a letter.

**Second Sentinel**: Very well. I will deliver it.

**First Sentinel**: Wait!  
Both Sentinels move away.

**First Sentinel**: Before you make the delivery, remember the courtier who,  
upon opening a letter from a strange address, was bombarded with  
poison dust and blown to his grave.

**Second Sentinel**: What, you intend me to open it? I don't want to be  
poisoned!

**First Sentinel**: No, comrade. Open the letter away from you, over the  
water, to save us both from any ill carriage.

**Second Sentinel** aside: I'll save myself; the King can thank me later.  
Opens letter.

**First Sentinel**: There now, no danger at all. We may be saved from treason by considering the King's life…  
Snatches letter and reads silently.  
How, now! Immediate orders! Come, come, these instructions call  
for the sudden execution of its carriers, to settle tribute with the King Dane.9

**Second Sentinel**: Indeed! Well, then we'd better make a quick offering.  
Both Sentinels return to the gentlemen, swords drawn and raised.

**Guildenstern**: How, now! What treachery is this? We are to be royal guests!

**First Sentinel**: There's no falsity in this.  
Throws letter to Guildenstern.

**Guildenstern**: Marry, but we've been had, Rosencratz! This document was  
to be delivered by Hamlet himself, else Hamlet spoke truly in calling us sponges and the damned Dane10 has mortally squeezed us after all!11

**Second Sentinel**: Oh, mercy, what a pity you make such a fit lamb!12 Kills Guildenstern.

**Rosencratz**: My fellow! Let my blade tell my sorrow!  
First Sentinel and Rosencratz duel. Rosencratz is killed.

9 _King Dane_ the Danish king, Claudius 10 _the Dane_ another reference to the Danish king 11 _This...all_ Guildenstern and Rosencratz had originally been sent to enlist England's king to assassinate Hamlet. 12 _you…lamb_ how unfortunate that you make such a good sacrifice!

**First Sentinel**: Come, let's quickly report our tale and escape suspicion of  
treason.

**Exeunt.**


End file.
